Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Combat Zone: I Don't Want To Do This Anymore

They say your heart hurts when the end is near. It pounds so hard that each beat takes a bit of your breath away. Eventually you clutch your heart and the only place to fall is on your knees…thinking maybe a prayer can save you. “Dear God, I can’t do this anymore. Give me the strength to walk away.”

We put a lot of effort into relationships so, when a break-up occurs it is natural to feel exhausted. Breaking up, is not just the division of two people it is the division of emotions. Everything you feel begins to separate.  The division of emotions begins slowly. One day you are secure and the next you feel like something is missing. That loss is felt and worries start to fester.  

The strongest emotion to concur is loss.  As human beings we are habit forming.  We get accustomed to routines easily and when those primary actions are no longer in place it can hit you hard.  It could be as simple as waking up in the morning and reaching for that phone to check for that good morning love text, that’s no longer there.   The wave hits you and shocks you into what seems like endless tears.  Which leads to regret.

Regret is brutal!  There is always the “what ifs” lingering around.  What if you had tried a little harder?  What if you were more patient?  Sadly, for some it even becomes the, what if I changed myself?  Regret is hard to get beyond because questioning things is how we learn to live wisely.  We question our actions to make sure we are making appropriate decisions.  Some may say that questioning a break-up is the worst thing you can do.  I say, question at will.  If we do not take the time to question ourselves we will never get to point where we can honestly look at “what is.”  

For example, if you take the time to question the “what ifs” of patience, you will begin to remember all the incidents where patience may have come into play.  Those incidents at the point of break-up become reality.  They aren’t shadowed by the “love bug” anymore, they are seen as they really are, seen as “what is.”  So, now you are able to accept that patience was not  the cause and that one regret, can be set aside.   

Lastly, and most importantly...past loss and regret eagerly lies healing.  Yes!!!  The healing gets us back to self.  We can begin to think of what we are going to do with ourselves versus what we did when it was an “us.”  Self-reflection begins....and steps move lightly towards being happy while being alone.   We learn to be our own comforter again...our own support and to love self just as much as we loved another.

Throughout everything we must remember that even through all the conversations sought out in loneliness, all the tears and heartache, it’s still hard to walk away. There will be one less plate at the table, an empty spot next to you in the bed and “I love yous” will be resigned to secret whispers to that picture you just can’t throw away. The emotional hurt can become physical. You can’t sleep, your tired, you can’t eat and your head aches from endless thoughts. So, if the time comes for a relationship to end, whether you wanted it or they wanted it, you will need strength. The strength to walk away and rebuild…

By Debbie Allen-Smith Aka D. Flo’essence