Friday, December 9, 2011

Down With Santa!

Santa Claus is a NO, NO, NO! Let’s have a Merry Christmas without the HO, HO, HO!  I’m burning the fuzzy red suit...but I’ll keep the hat cuz it’s cute!

Yes I am a Santa hater!  That hatred increased as I recently read an article called Should Santa Have a Real Beard, One Store Says No.  Ho, Ho, Ho, now that’s some funny shit.  Apparently parents are angered at the fact that one store has started using a “fake” Santa in their store.  That’s when it slammed into me and enacted my down with Santa plight!

So, should Santa have a real beard?  HELL NO!  Are you kidding me?  Santa is not REAL, people! The ideal of Santa Claus is the biggest lie spread throughout the nation slightly beating out “I would never cheat on you baby, you’re my one and only.”  That’s a lot of lying!! This fictional character has somehow come alive in the minds of not only children but adults.    

Why are people telling their kids this lie?  Let me lay it out for you.  An obese white man travels all the way from the North Pole with a big sack of free toys.  He knows everything the little kids are doing throughout the year, keeping special eye on when they are “naughty or nice.”  He transports himself in a sleigh with flying reindeer and comes to your house because of course he knows exactly where you live.  He breaks into your home through the chimney, eats dessert before he fills the bottom of the Christmas tree with toys.  That doesn’t sound ridiculous to anyone? Yet people tell their children this.  Maybe not my version but it’s pretty much the same either way.

Now we have little kids walking around believing that any person in a red suit is Santa.  Heaven forbid if you’re walking downtown and your kid sees Santa taking back a bottle of Wild Irish Rose getting tipsy and jolly for the holiday season!  What do you do then?  Hmm...tell another lie!  You turn to your child and simply explain that Santa has taken some Nyquil.  “You know how mommy takes it when she is sick and it makes her a little woozy, well Santa caught a cold in the North Pole.”  The kid is all smiles now and you as a parent have saved the day.  However, what did you really save?

You saved yourself a few years before you have to tell your children that you have been lying to them for years.  That everything they believed about Christmas is a lie.  Then the questions begin.  How did the presents get under the Christmas tree?  I bought them.  Well, who was that man’s lap you had me sitting on at the mall that I whispered my secrets to.  It was stranger.   So reindeer don’t fly?  No.  I could have been bad all year and still got gifts?  Most likely.   The look of disdain on the child’s face after this heartfelt talk is not because they realize Santa is fake, it’s because they realized that parents are liars too.  That everything you told them not to do you in fact did or made them do.

Parents are divine beings to small children. They don’t want to know that we lie.  They especially don’t want to know that we lied for years.   What you say they will believe.  You tell your kids don’t talk to strangers, yet its okay if it’s Santa.  Never answer the door to strangers but its okay if they come into our home in the middle of the night when you are sleeping.  You try and instill values, it’s important to be a good person, then you tack rewards onto it.  Shouldn’t they be good without the notion of gifts at the end of the year?

Also, in the day and age we live in, it’s important to realize the extreme this fabrication can take.  A stranger should never touch your children yet Santa can bounce them on his lap.  That gains trust.  Do you realize how many pedophiles are probably having a very Merry Christmas holding your children while pictures snap away!  This is the perfect time of year for Santa to be snatching up kids on the street!  After all, they are not gonna run from him, he is Santa Claus and mommy and daddy says he is the one to trust.  If he offers a sleigh ride to the North Pole, they are hopping in the newly invented sleigh car he told them was specially invented this year.  Ho, ho, ho!  Parents aren’t the only ones that can make up good lies, pedophiles have quite a few too and they will use the perfect opportunities.  Think about it!  

Children don’t need to believe in Santa Claus to have a merry Christmas.  They will still enjoy the Christmas movies like they do any other cartoon.  They will appreciate the gifts because kids like gifts.  So does Santa need a real beard?  Maybe for the parents that want to keep their children harnessed in a fabricated holiday tradition.  The kids don’t.  They just need the truth from us divine parents they look up to!

By Debbie Allen-Smith aka D. Flo’essence

References:
Coffey, Laura T. (December, 2011). Should Santa Have a Real Beard, One Store Says No. Retrieved from http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45570235/ns/today-holiday_guide/t/should-santa-have-real-beard-one-store-says-no/